head down, swaying to my own sound
by milk ghost
Summary: Four friends open a bar. It should be that simple, but it's not. Alternatively, Natsu's Dragneel's slapshot guide to alcohol and flirting with pretty blonde bartenders.—natsu/lucy; the gang's all here
**notes:** loosely (no, that is a lie—majorly) inspired by _it's always sunny in philadelphia._ also i was listening to irish drinking songs, so that played its part, too. **
****disclaimer:** heck nah. **  
warning(s):** this is basically a straight up and an unashamedly bro-fic. with a side serving of (sad) romance because i am weak. sad as in these boys are pathetic. not there's a hella ton of drinking mentioned. and to make this a more enjoyable experience just be aware that these guys literally have no idea what the hell they're doing. like, at all.

 **x**

 ** _how to open a bar_** —

 ** _a guide (formerly powerpoint presentation) by natsu dragneel, with infinite eye-rolls from gray fullbuster,_**

 ** _much exasperation and stressed yelling from jellal fernandez,_**

 ** _preface and recipe section by gajeel redfox,_**

 ** _advice on treating your employees and giving them their deserved pay by lucy heartfilia_**

 ** _thanks in part to four sets of exhausted kidneys_**

 ** _and a shit ton of alcohol_**

 **x**

 **i.** — _procure an establishment_

Natsu is on his fourth Pepsi, left hand buried deep in a bag of fiery Cheetos and in the middle of an online zombie-slaying fest when the idea hits him. It's that same million dollar, out of the once in a blue moon kind of inspiration that sparked the idea for the Internet, smart phones, and chimichangas. It's pure brilliance, honestly, and he's sure that this is what all those dead people felt during the Enlightenment. Or how Einstein felt when he discovered that formula for E equals m to the c squared.

"Gray," he says urgently over his headset, " _Gray._ "

There's an irritated sigh from over the line. "If this is about you having to take a piss again, I swear…How many sodas have you even _consumed_ tonight? Your miniscule bladder has nothing to do with me and I honestly want nothing to do with it. You're weak, Natsu. So weak."

He bristles. "Four, asshat. And _no,_ it's not about that. I just had an idea. It's brilliant, Gray. Magnificently fucking _brilliant_."

Gray pauses the game and stares at the split screen. This is going to require his undivided attention or else Natsu is going to end up burning the world down somehow. "Okay, the last time you said that, an entire fireworks display got set off at once, your elderly neighbor _actually_ had a heart attack, and I ended up naked in the city pool. And do I even need to mention Jellal's fugly facial tattoo? _Or t_ he 2011 Annual Neighborhood Barbeque-Off Incident with Gajeel? Do you really want something like _that_ to happen again?"

He shifts the controller in his hands and glances at the clock hanging on his living room wall. The bold block numbers on the clock face stare back at him accusingly, pointing fingers of an astounding 2:11 am at him. That makes sense, he supposes. Nothing good ever happens after two am.

"Sorry Natsu," he apologizes, ruffling his already mussed hair and feeling the fatigue of the day starting to set in. "But—and take offense to this—most of your ideas are shit."

His friend scoffs, tossing down his controller and wondering if he should've saved this conversation slash business pitch for lunch so he could just fucking deck Gray. "Okay, a) Fanny Shagnasty was a heart attack waiting to happen—it's just a coincidence that it happened after the fireworks went off and her Yorkie peed like an entire gallon all over Gajeel's shoes. That is a shit ton of nervousness for such a small dog."

"Ah," Gray reminisces, "Mrs. Shagnasty. What an unfortunate woman. For having that last name and having your idiotic ass for a neighbor."

" _B_ )," Natsu continues as if he hadn't heard him, "none of us even remember the facial tattoo incident so why the hell do you three keep blaming _me_ for it? And c) the Barbeque Incident of 2011 was a freak accident that probably has the statistic of happening one out of a million times, alright."

He pauses. "So, seriously. We should open a bar."

"We are twenty-five, you have no real grasp of reality, and neither of us know jack shit about alcohol or the legal tape involved in the selling and dispensing of it," Gray explains, patiently. Well, more like states the facts that should already be obvious, but. "Not to mention that neither of us have ever dealt with money in that kind of way. How the hell do you propose we do it, then?"

Natsu is not to be deterred, however, because he's a stubborn jackass packed full-to-the-brim and overflowing with idiotic ideas that would put Johnny Knoxville or whoever else to shame. He shoves an entire handful of jalapenos Cheetos into his mouth and ponders. "Yeah but other than those things, do you have any other objections?"

"To opening our own bar? Have you ever been a bartender? Because I haven't. Also, what are we supposed to feed people? Bars have a menu for food, you know. Sure it might be crap food, but it's still food. Do we serve our patrons stale pretzels we bought at some bulk store?"

Natsu chews, considering all of these factors as he does the math in his head. "But other than that, you're good with it, right?"

"Sure," Gray says in exasperation and tiredness, studying a zombie that is uncomfortably close to his paused character. "Why the hell not."

 **x**

Jellal chokes on his fries and Gajeel leans back in his seat as they stare at their two friends. Natsu has _always_ been batshit insane, but Gray? Gray was supposed to be Sensible. Gray was supposed to be calm, cool, and collected. Gray was usually two steps ahead of them in everything despite his complete lack of motivation for anything and faith in humanity on most days. Now, sitting before them and making no objections to what had just been proposed, Gray had clearly gone off the deep end.

"What did you just say?"

Natsu sets down his double bacon cheeseburger with an extra helping of bacon and turns to rifle around in the bag he'd brought. Jellal regards the heart attack waiting to happen on his friend's plate (which is basically what Natsu eats on most days, anyway) and wonders with some incredible amazement how he hasn't dropped like it's hot due to clogged arteries and total organ failure.

"We are going to open a bar," Natsu reiterates slowly, like he's trying to teach a kindergarten class about the importance of sharing. He opens the laptop he'd pulled out of his bag and begins to fiddle with it.

Gajeel and Jellal turn to their other, previously sane friend in hopes of an explanation. Gray sighs. "He's serious. So serious that he made a PowerPoint presentation to try and convince you guys that this is a good idea and won't backfire catastrophically at all in any manner."

Jellal cannot believe the words coming out of Gray's mouth. Not after what happened to his face two years ago. His _face._ None of this can be real. "Wait, wait a second. What do you mean by 'you guys'? Gray—Gray don't tell me you gave in. _We talked about this, Gray._ After last summer? MRS. SHAGNASTY? _Remember_?"

Yes, Gray does remember their powwow very clearly. Well, somewhat clearly. Okay, so _maybe_ he recalls it a bit foggily, but whatever. He'd had a couple beers with Natsu beforehand because the moron would not _shut up_ and the only way to sober Natsu up was to, well, get him not sober. Weirdly enough. But he vaguely remembers Jellal's motion that they immediately shoot down any of Natsu's wild ideas before they came to their untimely yet inevitable and doomed fruition. It was for the benefit of humanity, Jellal had said, and he also didn't want to drive a possibly dying elderly woman who smelled like must and raspberry cordial to the hospital ever again. His backseat _still_ didn't smell the same.

"Okay guys," Natsu begins excitedly, because he's finally got the slideshow up and ready to go now. "Prepare to be wowed."

He turns the laptop around so that they're facing the screen. Jellal settles back in misery, because nothing good can ever come from this. Gajeel is a little intrigued, however, about the whole prospect of opening their own bar. It's probably just because if they do, he won't ever have to pay for booze again.

The first slide is of the four of them, badly photoshopped into a picture of some ramshackle place downtown that looks like it's headed straight for the no man's land between bankruptcy and closing down. "I did some research—" _he did what now,_ "—and this place is actually on the market for a reasonable price. Guys, it's fated. This is our destiny."

"Our destiny is to open a _bar_ ," Gajeel deadpans, though he still looks like he's leaning toward Natsu's idea.

"Bars are going under around the country all the time," Jellal attempts to be the Voice of Reason, because obviously no one else is stepping up to the plate. "That doesn't mean we should buy one and invest money into a business that none of us even know the first thing about."

Of course, Natsu has apparently taken this argument into consideration, because he is ready. He presses the enter key and they watch the slide fade out and into a new one in a motion similar to ocean waves. God, he'd even used _transitions._ He really had spent time on this.

"I was up all night putting together a list of all the things that you could possibly say to shoot me down on this," he tells them, and it's honestly frightening. He's thought this through. Natsu without logic and reasoning was a force of nature already, but Natsu actually taking the time to _plan_ and _think things through_? He could be unstoppable. "So why don't you read it. Then, and only then, will I let you try and talk me out of this."

Okay, that seemed fair enough. Gray, Jellal, and Gajeel study the bulleted slide carefully, squinting to read the eight point font. Gray's previous objections have been listed, along with some added ones like financing (at least, that's what Jellal guesses the word means, because it reads 'fineantsing' due to the fact that obviously Natsu cannot apparently spell and has never heard of spellcheck), an estimated amount of how much it's going to cost to fix the place up, and even a draft menu, among other things.

Gray scoffs and raises his brows. "' _What to do in case the bar's haunted'_ ," he reads aloud, glancing at the numerous links beneath it. "Good to see you've got all your bases covered."

Natsu does not take this offensively, of course, because his sarcasm radar is incredibly low. "So what I was thinking is, we buy the place cheap, fix it up ourselves to cut down on costs, and then viola! We have a bar!"

Jellal can see that this is a losing battle either way. They either buy the bar and end up flat-out broke, or crush Natsu's sudden inspiration, along with his hopes and dreams. "There's still the matter of finding someone who'll actually work for us."

Gajeel rubs his chin. "I used to bartend back in culinary school. Had to pay for it somehow."

The other three gape at him. "You went to _culinary school_?" Gray questions in disbelief. "You're a _mechanic._ Last week I witnessed you beat a guy for scratching your Jeep, and you're telling us you went to school to be a chef? Without our knowledge?"

"Gotta stick to the fuckin' status quo, man." Gajeel admits gruffly, like they're suddenly in that scene from High School Musical and it's not okay for a rough guy to like cooking. "Anyway, I guess I can fill in until we find someone better."

Gray scoffs, again. He does this quite frequently. "Not sure how the patrons are gonna feel about eating mini pizzas and bulk store pretzels for months, but. Whatever, I'm in."

"I just agreed because he didn't use comic sans in his fuckin' PowerPoint presentation," Gajeel flicks a ketchup packet at Natsu.

Jellal looks between them in exasperation. "This is a terrible idea. We are not buying a bar."

 **x**

They bought the bar.

 **x**

 **end notes:** i like to imagine natsu having a boston accent again. because i'm still not over his voice actor's voice from the abridged version.

 **next on:** lucy heartfilia is fresh out of a job, her landlord hates her guts, she's running low on money and mostly on desperation, and the guys are still in search of a bartender. "wow, would you look at that. you need a job, we need someone to fill this position. do you see what's _happeeeening_ here? i feel a connection." aka, natsu manipulates an innocent girl into taking a job at the bar.


End file.
